Ten Steps for Telling Your Children about Divorce

There are few harder moments in parenthood than telling your kids that it's over between mommy and daddy.

As a divorce attorney, I have seen hundreds of families struggle over how to break this news to their children. The process should involve calculated timing by the parents, a scripted statement explaining why it happened and a sketch of what is going to happen to the family in the future.

There is no use trying to avoid the issue: this part of the process is far worse than when you told your spouse that you wanted a divorce, mostly because the recipient of this pain is a child.

I would caution divorcing parents to be very careful about how they talk to their children about the "D" word. You might be sick and tired of your spouse, but you need to remember that you will be co-parents after the divorce. There will be dance recitals, football games, graduations and even marriages to attend. For the sake of your children, work together to share the news of your divorce with them.

You could do irreparable damage to your children if you break the news to them without your spouse by your side. I have seen many couples attempt to use "the announcement" as a way to shift blame onto the other party. This often backfires, and many times traumatizes the children unnecessarily.
The way that a message is packaged sets the trajectory for how that message is received. Think before you speak. Remember your audience. Don't use adult words or a message of blame or abandonment. Remember these simple tenants prior to blurting out, "your Dad is leaving Mom and is going to live with his f***ing girlfriend" or, "Mom doesn't love you enough to try to make this marriage work."

The following ten items outline a course for telling the kids in the least painful way possible.

Before you break the news...
1. Consult a child or family therapist together with your soon-to-be-ex to process the messaging.
2. Work together to write a script for the conversation with your child(ren).
3. Pick a time and place that is safe and that does not involve friends or relatives. Avoid conflict with important dates or deadlines i.e., child's birthday or right before a big test.

During your discussion...
4. In your discussion, focus on the positives -- that the child has two people who love her so much that they both want special time with her.
5. Focus on how things at home are going to stay as similar as possible.
6. Tell the child that it is not their fault -- that mommy and daddy are just their best selves in two different houses, and that this will be the best way for them to do the best job loving her.
7. Do not blame. Make it appear as a joint decision.
8. Expect tears. You are not being mean; you are not kicking a puppy. Rather, you are being honest -- and honesty can hurt.

After the discussion...
9. Expect more questions after your initial announcement. Answer them honestly but be mindful of the advice above (especially number 6 and number 7).
10. Avoid creating a sense of abandonment. If at all possible, try staying in the same home as your spouse on the night or day that you tell your child. Additionally, try scheduling a family dinner with the children and the other spouse at the new place once they have settled in.
 
Above all, put your child first.

Remember: you can love your kids or hate your spouse... but you cannot do both.

by Natalie Gregg

The experienced family document prepares at Discount Divorce assists clients throughout Arizona, including the cities of Ahwatukee, Avondale, Buckeye, Chandler, El Mirage, Flagstaff, Gilbert, Glendale, Goodyear, Mesa, Peoria, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Sun City, Surprise, Tempe, Tolleson, Tucson and Youngtown.

Visit www.discountdivorcepro.com or call (602) 896-9020. Discount Divorce is located at 13817 N. 19th Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85023-6105.

As always you should seek legal advice for specific issues like the one above before coming to Discount Divorce to have your documents done and processed so that your legal rights may be protected.

Contempt of a Court Order

There is a lot of confusion about how or when someone is in contempt of a court order.

Arizona Rules of Family Law Procedure, (“ARFLP”) outline civil contempt and sanctions for non-compliance with Court Orders.

Pursuant to ARFLP, the use of civil contempt shall be limited to compelling compliance with a court order or compensating a person for losses sustained as a result of the non-complying parties failure to comply with an Order from the Court. Therefore, one should have the understanding that contempt sanctions in a family court setting in Arizona are not intended to punish an offending party or to vindicate the authority of the court, as these sanctions are criminal by nature.

With this said, in certain actions of contempt may permit the arrest of individual in Arizona even though the issue at hand is domestic. For instance, Title 25 of the Arizona Revised Statutes outlines in detail that arrest and incarceration is an appropriate sanction in specific situations dealing with nonpayment of child support.

If an Order has been previously entered in your domestic relations matter and the same has or continues to be violated by the opposing party, you must commence your contempt action by filing a motion with the Court that recites the essential facts alleged to be contemptuous.

Discount Divorce and Bankruptcy is very experianceed at preparing, filing and serving Contempt Motions.

After a motion for contempt has been filed, the Court will issue an Order to Appear, mandating the appearance of the alleged offending party at a date and time scheduled by the Court. The motion and Order to Appear must by personally served upon the alleged contemnor.

Depending on the circumstances, there are many options for holding a party accountable when he or she is not living up to the terms of a divorce decree or court order. These options include:
Holding the ex-spouse in contempt of court

• Seizing bank account assets
• Garnishing wages in child support enforcement
• Loss of driving privileges
• Change of visitation rights and support orders

The experienced family document prepares at Discount Divorce assists clients throughout Arizona, including the cities of Ahwatukee, Avondale, Buckeye, Chandler, El Mirage, Flagstaff, Gilbert, Glendale, Goodyear, Mesa, Peoria, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Sun City, Surprise, Tempe, Tolleson, Tucson and Youngtown.

Visit www.discountdivorcepro.com or call (602) 896-9020. Discount Divorce is located at 13817 N. 19th Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85023-6105.

As always you should seek legal advice for specific issues like the one above before coming to Discount Divorce to have your documents done and processed so that your legal rights may be protected.

Divorced Couples’ Co-Parenting Relationships Can Improve

New research conducted at the University of Missouri offers hope for divorced parents and suggests hostile relationships can improve when ex-spouses set aside their differences and focus on their children’s needs.

“Most people falsely believe that, when people get divorced, they’ll continue to fight, to be hostile,” said Marilyn Coleman, Curators’ Professor of Human Development and Family Studies at MU. “We found in our study that’s not always true. Some couples get along from the very beginning, and, for about half of the women we interviewed, the couples whose relationships started badly improved over time.”

Coleman and her colleague interviewed 20 women who shared physical custody of their children with ex- partners. Nearly half of the women interviewed said they had contentious relationships with their former significant others and the other half reported amicable relationships. Of the women reporting cordial relationships with their ex-spouses, a few had always gotten along; the rest of the relationships had gone from combative to cordial.

“To me, it’s almost as if the parents in the bad-to-better relationships matured,” Coleman said. “Mostly, it’s because the parents began focusing on their children. The parents saw how upset their arguments made their kids, so they decided to put their differences aside and focus on what was best for the children.”

The women in amicable relationships reported that their ex-partners were responsible parents and that money was not a source of conflict. In addition, the women said they communicated with their ex-partners frequently and in multiple ways, via text, phone and email. Cordial parents also dealt with differences in parenting styles more efficiently by communicating issues that arose. In addition, the women who had better relationships with their former spouses did not try to limit their children’s interaction with their fathers and, instead, found ways to conveniently transition the children between two homes.

“Conflict within a marriage or after a divorce is the most harmful thing parents can do for their children’s development,” Coleman said. “If kids go through their parents’ divorce, they’ve lost some access to both parents. If the parental fighting continues, the children have not only lost access, they’re still involved in the conflict—in the ugliness—and it harms the kids.”

Coleman cautions that shared physical custody does not ensure cooperative, happy relationships post-divorce. Making the co-parenting relationships work requires conscientious efforts from parents.
“The courts tend to use a one-size-fits-all philosophy when dealing with divorces and determining custody of children, and that really doesn’t work for some parents—especially if there has been abuse or if high levels of conflict continue,” Coleman said. “We need to find out how joint-custody works for families. The goal for divorced parents should be to maintain the best co-parenting relationships possible by moving past prior relationship issues and focusing on children’s well-beings.”

The study, “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Divorced Mothers’ Experiences with Co-parenting,” will be published in the upcoming issue of Family Relations. Coleman’s co-author, Mindy Markham, received her doctorate at MU and now teaches at Kansas State University. The Department of Human Development and Family Studies is housed in the MU College of Human Environmental Sciences.

Article from Science Blog

The experienced family document prepares at Discount Divorce assists clients throughout Arizona, including the cities of Ahwatukee, Avondale, Buckeye, Chandler, El Mirage, Flagstaff, Gilbert, Glendale, Goodyear, Mesa, Peoria, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Sun City, Surprise, Tempe, Tolleson, Tucson and Youngtown.

Visit www.discountdivorcepro.com or call (602) 896-9020. Discount Divorce is located at 13817 N. 19th Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85023-6105.

As always you should seek legal advice for specific issues like the one above before coming to Discount Divorce to have your documents done and processed so that your legal rights may be protected.

Can child support be ordered for disabled adult-child?

Yes it can.

There is an important circumstance when the court may order child support to continue beyond that child’s age of majority and into adulthood. For the court to order such support, the adult-child must have a significant mental or physical disability that prevents him or her from living independently. The controlling Arizona statutory provision is found in A.R.S. § 25-320(E):

     E. Even if a child is over the age of majority when a petition is filed or at the time of the final decree, the court may order support to continue past the age of majority if all of the following are true:

          1. The court has considered the factors prescribed in subsection D of this section. [Court has applied the Arizona Child Support Guidelines.]

          2. The child is severely mentally or physically disabled as demonstrated by the fact that the child is unable to live independently and be self-supporting.

          3. The child's disability began before the child reached the age of majority.

For this provision to apply in any given case, the adult-child must have manifested the disability during minority. The court may order support to be paid to the adult-child or to the parent who provides for the care. The parent seeking support need not be the adult-child’s legal guardian or legal custodian before the court can order such support. In the event the adult-child has no guardian or custodian, he or she should be joined as an indispensable party to the support proceedings.

At the end of the day, support is about caring for the child’s basic needs. Any personal differences between the parents should not affect the financial support that a child is entitled to. For some parents, support ends when the child reaches the age of majority. For other parents, it may not end until the child has graduated from college. And for some parents, the support may continue into their disabled child’s adulthood.

The experienced family document prepares at Discount Divorce assists clients throughout Arizona, including the cities of Ahwatukee, Avondale, Buckeye, Chandler, El Mirage, Flagstaff, Gilbert, Glendale, Goodyear, Mesa, Peoria, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Sun City, Surprise, Tempe, Tolleson, Tucson and Youngtown.

Visit www.discountdivorcepro.com or call (602) 896-9020. Discount Divorce is located at 13817 N. 19th Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85023-6105.

As always you should seek legal advice for specific issues like the one above before coming to Discount Divorce to have your documents done and processed so that your legal rights may be protected.

Dividing Property in a Divorce Can Get Sticky

If you’re getting divorced, chances are you’re going to have to deal with assets that may not readily lend themselves to division: antiques, collectibles, and other one-of-a-kind objects or collections whose values are not immediately obvious and might have increased since they were purchased.

These are known as “illiquid, non-income producing assets,” and they include art collections, as one rather wealthy Seattle couple recently discovered. In that case, involving retired Microsoft manager and minority owner of the Seattle Mariners Christopher Larson and his philanthropist wife Julia Calhoun, the divorcing couple couldn’t agree on how to divide up their $102-million art collection that included pieces by Renoir and Monet.

So it fell to the judge in the divorce to divide up the property. Because Washington is a community property state, that means all property acquired during the marriage is presumed to be owned by both spouses and must be split down the middle in a divorce.

In the Larson and Calhoun case, the judge asked both husband and wife to explain what they wanted and why, and he used that information to divide up the art. But it’s never really that simple.

Sale!

A sale of the whole collection and equal division of the proceeds is the easiest solution, but both spouses can get attached to their Madame Alexander dolls, so sometimes a divorce means the division of the actual collection. In that case, you have make sure each side gets an equal piece of the pie.

“When you have a valuable illiquid, non-income producing asset, the divorcing couple has to agree on a value,” explains Los Angeles-based divorce lawyer Galen Gentry. “That is usually done by using a valuation expert.” There are two ways to evaluate the collection: using an accounting method that looks at book value (think the Blue Book for cars), or using a sales method in which a broker determines value based on the market.

So if a divorcing couple in Texas has to value the spur collection bought by the husband, they have to find a bona fide spur expert to place a value on that asset. Gentry recommends brokers, curators, or legitimate sellers who are experts on the things you’re trying to value. You could have competing experts to testify for each side, or if the parties can agree, one expert can do the job.

But if division is not an option – say it’s one giant Civil-War-era quilt – what then? The spouse who wants the item can buy out the one who doesn’t get to keep the asset, Galen points out. Or one party can always force a sale: “You can force a sale in all states, whether they are community property or non-community property states,” he says. In either case, the court takes up the issue in a trial and will hear evidence in order to determine the value or order a sale.

But what if there’s no market for the collection or piece, and it simply can’t be sold? “That will influence the value for divorce purposes,” Galen says. “It’s not a valuable art collection just because you say it is.” The total lack of a market for the item could lead to a low (or no) buy-out price to the spouse who doesn’t keep it. Again, the court will decide what to do if the couple can’t agree.

At least gifts are forever

In a community property state, gifts from one spouse to the other are considered separate property and do not go into the kitty to be divided up when things go south. The engagement ring is the classic example: Wife keeps it, unless husband can overcome the presumption that it was meant to be hers forever. This might happen in an awkward engagement: “Here’s a ring, my darling, but it’s Grandma’s, so I get it back when you take off.”

In a contentious divorce, there is often a fight over whether valuable antiques and other items were meant as gifts, and the judge will want to hear testimony on that. Anything you can offer beyond he said-she said will come in handy.

In fact, video recordings – especially of weddings, notes Galen, where people are feeling magnanimous and have large audiences – and other evidence including testimony by witnesses can sink a claim that a valuable object should be community property. If you made it clear it was a gift and someone else heard you, a gift it truly was – forever.

by Michele Bowman

The experienced family document prepares at Discount Divorce assists clients throughout Arizona, including the cities of Ahwatukee, Avondale, Buckeye, Chandler, El Mirage, Flagstaff, Gilbert, Glendale, Goodyear, Mesa, Peoria, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Sun City, Surprise, Tempe, Tolleson, Tucson and Youngtown.

Visit www.discountdivorcepro.com or call (602) 896-9020. Discount Divorce is located at 13817 N. 19th Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85023-6105.

As always you should seek legal advice for specific issues like the one above before coming to Discount Divorce to have your documents done and processed so that your legal rights may be protected.

Will I lose my retirement funds if I file Chapter 7 Bankruptcy in Arizona?

Probably not. A.R.S. § 33-1126(B) provides the exemption that applies to “any money or other assets payable … from … a retirement plan which is qualified under §§ 401(a), 403(b), 408 or 409 of the United States Internal Revenue Code of 1986 … from any and all claims of creditors of the beneficiary or participant.” However, In re Flindall, 10,5 B.R. 32 (Bankr.D.Ariz.1989) and In re Hirsch, 9,8 B.R. 1 (Bankr.D.Ariz.1988) held that A.R.S. § 33-1126(B) is preempted by the Employee Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA). These cases stand for the proposition that the preemptive language of ERISA, 29 U.S.C. § 1144(a), preempts all state laws that are within its scope. Further, In re Herrscher, 121 B.R. 29 (Bankr.Ariz., 1989), held that the language of § 33-1126(B) pertaining to IRA’s is not preempted by ERISA and is severable and valid.

Simply put, in Arizona, benefits from an ERISA-qualified retirement or deferred compensation plan and/or an Individual Retirement Account (IRA) are exempt from the reach of creditors except for those amounts contributed within 120 days before a debtor files for bankruptcy. Most employer provided retirement accounts are ERISA qualified; however, you should request verification from your employer prior to filing your bankruptcy petition. Your assigned trustee will likely require such verification prior to your scheduled creditor’s meeting.

As can be the case with some plans, a small portion of your retirement may not be ERISA-qualified. In order to protect your retirement money from seizure, you should address your concerns with an attorney and allow them to review any documentation provided by your plan administrator. If you have any questions, contact us today.

The above assumes you have resided in Arizona for the past two years and you may use Arizona’s exemptions when filing your bankruptcy.

The experienced family document prepares at Discount Divorce assists clients throughout Arizona, including the cities of Ahwatukee, Avondale, Buckeye, Chandler, El Mirage, Flagstaff, Gilbert, Glendale, Goodyear, Mesa, Peoria, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Sun City, Surprise, Tempe, Tolleson, Tucson and Youngtown.

Visit www.discountdivorcepro.com or call (602) 896-9020. Discount Divorce is located at 13817 N. 19th Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85023-6105.

As always you should seek legal advice for specific issues like the one above before coming to Discount Divorce to have your documents done and processed so that your legal rights may be protected.

Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble

By Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT for YourTango.com

We've all heard the dauntingly horrible statistic: 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. No one wants to be a cliché, and everyone wants to find themselves amongst the 50 percent that beat the odds.

What if you could identify the biggest indicators before it was too late? What if you had the chance to turn it all around? Would you seize the moment, even if it meant taking an unpleasant look at the reality of your relationship and digging in to repair the damage?

Look at the indicators below to see where you fall on the spectrum of marital turmoil:

1. You become a one-woman consulting firm. You used to ask your partner for their opinions on a variety of subjects. Everything from what you should do about your difficult boss to what plans you'll make for the weekend. Those days are gone, and you find yourself making decisions without consideration for your spouse's feelings or how it might affect him.

2. You pull out your scorecard and start tallying. The ease of give and take has been replaced with playing "Tit for Tat", and you actively keep mental notes on how much you are contributing versus how much your partner isn't.

3. You anoint yourself king/queen of the castle. In a successful relationship, no one person's needs are more important. Your desires are equally considered and equal attempts are made to bring them to fruition. However, now that there is stress, resentment and tension, you make your needs priority one.

4. You move from teammates to roommates. Teammates work in tandem to accomplish goals. They share ideas for how to succeed and envision home and life plans together. Roommates take on singular projects with no respect or thought towards the other person in the house. They clean their space. They do their laundry. Their separate plans become your separate lives.

5. You pull out your needle and start jabbing. Anyone in a long-term relationship knows their partner well enough to have a keen awareness of their hot buttons. In days past, you accidentally pressed them, learned from your mistakes and vowed not to repeat them. Today, you press them with full awareness, and you like it.

6. You stop dating. When you two were happy and in love, you "dated" each other. You did all the little things that kept the romance alive. You sent the sweet text in the middle of the day. You brought home the dessert from that little café you know they love. You made an effort to keep up your appearance. Now, you see your mate as a ball and chain instead of the hot date you used to roll out the red carpet for.

7. You move your love tank to someone else's truck. Whether it's emotional or physical, you are reaching out to anyone and everyone other than your mate to connect with and feel connected to.

8. You kidnapped cupid and you're holding him for ransom. People joke that you stop having sex when you get married because you no longer "have to." But the truth is that often times, people stop having sex when they start losing the positive feelings towards their mate. No one wants to have sex with the person they see as an impediment to their happiness. Even if you still have sexual feelings, you stop pursuing them to punish, play games or make a point to your partner.

9. Words are saved for scrabble. Gone are the days of staying up late, talking. Conversations with your mate seem futile and exhausting. Instead, you use as few words as possible to convey your sentiments and conversations devolve into what needs to get done around the house or who is running carpool tomorrow.

10. You checked out of your relationship and into your mental hotel. In happier times, your partner was your refuge because they were your best friend, your comfort and your joy. As tension sets in, you blindly interact with your mate without giving them your presence of mind. Your mindfulness has been replaced with fantasies of your new life, away from your partner.
If you're determinedly shaking your head in agreeance, that's a flashing yellow light that trouble is brewing. No one said it would be a snap, but then again, nothing worth having comes easy. You have a finite opportunity to get your marriage out of trouble before that yellow light turns red.
If you're debating and looking for the motivation you've been missing, remember that no fantasy holds up to the reality and complexities of a relationship. Even the best partnerships are messy, challenging and can often send you to the brink. They all require effort, diligence and consistency. Be part of the solution and defy those nasty odds.

The experienced family document prepares at Discount Divorce assists clients throughout Arizona, including the cities of Ahwatukee, Avondale, Buckeye, Chandler, El Mirage, Flagstaff, Gilbert, Glendale, Goodyear, Mesa, Peoria, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Sun City, Surprise, Tempe, Tolleson, Tucson and Youngtown.

Visit www.discountdivorcepro.com or call (602) 896-9020. Discount Divorce is located at 13817 N. 19th Ave., Phoenix, AZ 85023-6105.

As always you should seek legal advice for specific issues like the one above before coming to Discount Divorce to have your documents done and processed so that your legal rights may be protected.