Consider Fairness After Divorce

By BERNEY WILKINSON

In my last column, I presented one of the most common pitfalls following a divorce. Today we will focus on another issue related to parenting following a divorce.

Last week's issue related to how much time the children spend with each parent. This often creates a great deal of strife, stress and frustration for the parents and the children. Children do not always understand they cannot do something because it would cut out "time" they would spend with their mom or dad.

In fact, when I talk with these kids, they often say "all we do is sit around the house anyway, why can't I go do something that I want to do?" The kids have a point. However, because parents are so hung up on time, they cannot see what it is doing to their children. The parents get stuck on the issue of fairness, which just so happens to be the second pitfall.

Though related to the issue of time, the issue of "fairness" often complicates life following a divorce. For parents, fairness usually includes two things: time-sharing and money. In regard to time-sharing, parents often voice the same issues discussed last week related to time. That is, the most "fair" time-sharing schedule is 50/50. While that schedule works very well for some children, it is not at all recommended for others. Many children need consistency that includes sleeping in the same bed more nights than not.

When parents are so stuck on fairness, they have difficulty seeing what is best for the child, as opposed to what is "fair" for the parent. In these situations, I remind parents of life before the divorce.

Prior to the divorce, how much time each night did each parent spend, one-on-one, with the child? Probably not a lot of time, unless they were helping him/her with homework or eating dinner together.

Most of the time, the child is playing (outside or with video games) or doing homework between the time they get home from school and preparing for bed. I have never met a parent who spends four hours of one-on-one time each night with their child. It just does not happen.

So why is it such an issue after the divorce that parents are willing to have an ongoing court battle over it that could last years? It just is not healthy for the child.

The second issue of "fairness" relates to money. As the family dynamics change, so do financial resources for the respective parents. While one parent may have the ability to take the children to Disney, the other may not. While one parent can buy the children "everything they want," the other parent may be financially limited. When these situations occur, I often hear from parents claiming, "My son's father buys him whatever he wants, and I can't. He is trying to turn my son against me." To these parents, I find myself saying, "You're right, it is not fair. But who ever said it would be?"

Nothing about these situations are fair, they just are what they are. If the father (or mother) is able to turn the son against the other parent by buying him things, work needs to be done on the parent-child relationship. But that is not necessarily the other parent's fault. Does that happen? Sure, there are times when the intent is to jade the child in one direction or another. But that is not typical.

When it comes to "fairness" after a divorce, parents must consider what is "fair" for the child. Is it "fair" the child has to split his time between his parents? Is it fair the child does not get to sleep in the same bed every night? Is it fair the child feels pulled in two directions because he wants both parents to be happy?

Parents are encouraged to consider how their personal views of fairness may affect their child (positively or negatively). What may feel fair to them may be unfair to the one who did not have a choice in the divorce.

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